Food for Thought Part II

If you thought the nonsense about spicy food blinding the baby was rich, wait until you get a load of this one.

A neighbor of ours recently came by to talk with Iris. After cursory small chat, she sidled in close, shifted her eyes from side to side and whispered this little morsel of prenatal insanity:

"Don't use too much soy sauce. It will make your baby black."

WEE!!!!!

This is the sort of craziness I have come to expect from living in Taiwan! Along with burning ghost money and avoiding water this has got to be one of the greatest bits of insanity I have heard with living here. What's even better, I can guarantee that this superstition is Taiwan (and possibly China) specific for a few reasons.

First and most obviously is that Chinese people are the world's most insatiable consumers of soy sauce. I doubt there is another culture that uses enough soy sauce to necessitate a superstition in its honor. Indians must have superstitions surrounding curry and Japanese involving fish, but only The Chinese would develop a superstition over a bloody condiment.

Second, this superstition plays right into Chinese fear of dark or tanned skin. Tanning has seen a marked downturn worldwide in recent years due to the fact that we have more and better information concerning the effects of the sun on our skin. But even with that information, we also know that the sun is good for our skin. It's all about balance via the use of reason. Don't worry. Taiwanese people rarely, if ever use reason to come to a conclusion. So this is not the explanation.

In Chinese culture, tanned skin is the hallmark of a farmer (or worker or someone of a lower class) who works outdoors all day and is, therefore, socially insignificant. Since the aristocracy spend more time out of the sun, they therefore cultivate whiter skin. Chinese, as with other cultures, tend to look to their social superiors for advice on... well... everything and since maintaining social and cultural uniformity is especially important in Taiwan and China, pearly white skin has become de rigeur.

You would not believe the lengths people will go to maintain their translucent skin tones despite the merciless summer heat in Taiwan. Full length jackets, pants, gloves, hats, masks and sunglasses just to walk from your front too to the mailbox. God forbid you expose your skin to any vitamin D. And don't even get me started about the girls who go to the beach and "forget" their bathing suits.

Third, the notion of tanned skin being unacceptable is just racist enough to make you uncomfortable. Chinese people aren't racist in the George Wallace, Nathan Bedford Forrest sort of way, but it's there and it's real. Black people (and people of darker tinted skin) are really looked down upon in Taiwan. There is a definite hierarchy of race and, oddly enough, among the world's racists, the Chinese racist is special. He/she is the only racist in the world who does not put their own race at the top of the social pyramid. No sir, the Chinese racist has placed Chinese a solid number two behind white people.

But I digress.

I'd like to believe that this superstition stems from a single, backpedalling source. I imagine a married Chinese woman who embarks on a torrid love affair with an emissary or diplomat from an African nation. The affair ends, as so many do, with her carrying his baby. When the kid is born and looks like a Chinese kid dipped in Kikkoman's, she explains it away to her unsuspecting, cuckolded husband as the product of too much soy sauce and coffee. The husband visits the astrologers who, naturally cannot fathom the notion of a Chinese woman having a dark baby concur that this must be the case.

Either way, if they gave awards for insane superstitions, this one would win the lifetime achievement. The idea that the color of a food could somehow transpose its hue on the skin color of the child is absurd. The fact that I have neighbors that subscribe to such absurdity (in the Information Age and in one of the most wired nations on the planet, no less) is pathetic.

Rest assured, the bottle Kikkoman's is getting used as it ever was. Iris and I will love our blind, black baby.

Food for Thought Part I

I expect this title will be used at least a few dozen times over the next several months so I decided to make it a franchise right out of the gates.

I have noticed a pattern of conversation that occurs when we tell people that Iris is expecting. First the congratulate us. Second, they note that the baby will be a dragon and finally they impose on us all their dietary wisdom about what to eat and what not to eat during a pregnancy. Some is good (i.e. folic acid) but the majority is abject nonsense. Case in point, this little morsel of stupidity offered up by someone the other day:

"Now that you are pregnant, don't eat spicy food. It will burn the baby's eyes and make it blind."

Spicy foods blind fetuses?

...

It is so hard to keep a straight face sometime when this stuff is flying as you. It takes all my power not to laugh at the people who say them. Naturally, I don't want to offend, but sometimes you just wish people would use a little common sense and critical thinking before they blindly (sorry) believe everything they hear. This myth shows a clear lack of vision (sorry) and perception (sorry).

First, why would spicy foods target only the eyes of the baby? Does capsicum have some sort of magnetic affinity toward ocular cavities? Why wouldn't the spicy food affect the gastrointestinal development or the the liver or the spleen? Why only the eyes? Seems a little specific for a simple bottle of Tabasco Sauce.

Second, if this myth were so, the world population of blind people would be astronomical! India alone would have a population of blind people into the tens of millions let alone Thailand, Mexico and Southern China. Braille books would outsell non-braille books and radio would still be a viable alternative to television. Our entire history would be completely different.

Third, it's just simply dumb. Really, really dumb.

I actually tried to find the origin of this myth in order to provide a little insight (sorry) into this myth. I wanted to see (sorry) whether it was strictly a Taiwanese brand of ignorance or whether it had a global market. The myth exists on the internet in English, but barely. However, I have heard this myth at least three or four times from people in the last few weeks. This leads me to believe that this myth might have a little more leg in Taiwan than other parts of the world. Not surprising considering Taiwan is an insular, navel-gazing culture on an island.

Imagine buying into this myth and eating nothing but curds and whey for nine months? Of course, curds and whey would probably cause chronic arachnophobia among infants.

Dragons! Dragons, Everywhere!

If you thought there were a lot of Chinese people in the world already, hold your horses because it's going to get a whole lot more crowded round here. Don't blame me. Blame the astrologers.

If there is one thing I have learned in my time in Taiwan is that Chinese and Taiwanese people take astrology very seriously. Don't even think about making a joke. Unlike western countries whose astrologers have mercifully been pushed into the comics section of the weekend newspaper, this stuff is serious business in the East and it all comes down to the 12 signs of the Chinese zodiac. In China and Taiwan the alignment of stars dictates when one has weddings, funerals, housewarmings, engagement parties and celebrations of all kinds. People visit astrologers to find out the optimum time to open businesses, close businesses, install a stove, a fridge or other furniture in their house, buy a car or house or even how to redecorate their bedroom. Virtually every aspect of traditional Chinese life I can be dictated by astrologers. Even people who say they don't believe in this stuff engage in it. It's hardwired into the system and that's that.

So it would come as no surprise that having children is of particular interest to astrologers who claim that certain alignments of the stars bring happier, stronger or wealthier babies. For example, I was born in 1975, which makes me a rabbit. Rabbits are supposed to be even-tempered and tame. Very amiable. I'm not sure whether the Chinese astrologers have seen me when someone cuts in front of me in line at the 7-11 or during especially heated hockey games but I'm not consistently amiable, that's for sure. Furthermore, I have a lot of friends born in 1975 who I would no consider to be the tamest human beings, but I digress. I'm not arguing with Chinese astrologers.

Unbeknownst to us (or perhaps, a little knownst, but not really), we got pregnant in time for the Year of the Dragon. The Year of the Dragon is a sort of all-in when it comes to the Chinese zodiac. Unlike other signs such as the pig, goat, snake or rat which are supposed to exude certain good qualities and a few not-so-good ones, the Dragon is the cherry-picker of the bunch. Dragons apparently get all the good qualities: Happiness, wealth, health, power, good-looks, a house in the Hamptons, ticket to all the good shows and, most importantly... luck. Taiwanese and Chinese are obsessed with luck (aside: I get the blankest of blank stares from people when I tell them I don't believe in luck... or ghosts, but that's another post).

So what has happened is that Iris and I have been unwillingly thrust into the biggest Chinese baby boom in recent years. I can't speak for China (who would want to, anyway?) but Taiwan's birth rate is one of the lowest on the planet over the past decade and the Year of the Dragon couldn't have come at a better time. A nice little bump in the population would really  help stimulate the economic malaise, no? Regardless, Chinese and Taiwanese couples the island over (and worldwide) are clamoring to have children. NOW!


Many couples who have been married for several years have actually planned to have their children during this year. According to Lin Tseng-kai, head of the Artificial Reproductive Technology Center at Hsinchu Cathay General Hospital in Hsinchu: "It doesn't matter if you have an easy time or a hard time [getting pregnant], when it comes the dragon year they all want to have one." Taiwan hospitals have seen between a 30% and 50% increase in fertility treatments since May of last year.


This fever pitch is not relegated to Taiwan and China. Although second and third generation Chinese and Taiwanese immigrants to North America and Europe shed much of their traditions and superstitions, the Year of the Dragon persists as a cultural must. Chinese couples the world over are hard pressed to de-program tradition. One Egg Donation clinic in Beverly Hills, California has seen a 250% increase in contracts since targeting Chinese language newspapers last year. Others have seen comparable increases. Think of it. There's going to be a whole lot of little Chinese kids spitting up around this planet this time next year. Holy Little Emperor Syndrome!


This has meant a baby rush that borders on the insane. Couple have had their eggs and sperm frozen years in advance in order to have a Dragon. Celebrities are stumbling over themselves to produce designer Dragons. It's all a bit much. Iris and I sort of feel guilty that we are caught in this wave of madness when we simply never thought about it prior. Of the Taiwanese people we have told, almost all of them have expressed excitement bordering on envy due to our timing. This is invariably followed by mild consternation when they discover that I couldn't care less and we didn't plan it that way. Then they shrug their shoulders the way they do when they are saying: "Crazy foreign man. He doesn't know anything." Then they go home and burn ghost money (which they bought with real money).


If you are reading this and you are thinking to yourself: "Holy Hell! How did I miss this train?!?! I want a Dragon baby, too!" Well, you'd better get down to your local neighborhood astrologer and get to work. You have about ten days (give or take) to get that seed in there. After that You'll be looking at birthing a Snake. 


Who wants a snake?


Way to go, astrologers!

Who's Pregnant? Hands UP!

When my wife and I first discovered she was pregnant with the Dragon we decided to share the news with our immediate families right away. The doctor's appointment that confirmed the pregnancy was at 1:00pm in Taiwan, which made it about 1:00am in Canada. My family would have to wait. My wife's family, however, could be notified immediately.

Iris immediately called her mother to notify her of the impending appearance of the Dragon. After the initial squeals and screams of excitement (along with a the Taiwanese requisite: "finally!") Iris's mom delivers this this golden nugget of superstition:

"Now, don't put your arms over your shoulders. It will make the umbilical cord wrap itself around the baby's neck and strangle it."

Right.

1. At that point in the pregnancy (4 weeks) The Dragon was only the size of a sharpened pencil tip and one could have wrapped the thinnest fishing wire around something that small.

2. By that logic, no woman in the history of this planet would have given birth to a live baby... Our Neolithic ancestors would have had a difficult time surviving if every female in the collective who was carrying a child was somehow expected to keep their hands firmly in the vicinity of their thighs. Gathering berries and nuts and hunting would have become difficult and I can't imagine a group of early homo sapiens surviving without the help of each member doing their part. Unless of course, this biological detriment was what caused our ancestors to come down from the trees in the first place (how do you climb a tree without raising your arms over your shoulders?

I mean can you imagine spending an entire nine months with your arms down? Never reaching up to get a glass from the cupboard. Never hailing a cab. Never adjusting the shower head. Never reaching for the box of Lucky Charms on the top shelf at the supermarket. And don't even get me started about obligations at work. How would pregnant women function with arms steadfastly at their sides? Imagine the lost revenue!

So where did this particularly restrictive piece of nonsense come from?

Well, this one is not restricted to Chinese/Taiwanese superstition. Turns out this one is prevalent in the west as well.

The truth is that the umbilical cord tangles itself around babies in about 1/3 of all pregnancies, especially among women whose fetus's move around a lot. Since 3/3 of all pregnant women raise their arms over their heads during pregnancy, one can imagine an old wife somewhere (probably Eastern Europe or China), upon the birth of a tangled baby noted that she had noticed the mother reaching up into the high cupboards for a wooden spoon prior to delivery. Given the respect bestowed upon medieval midwives (or Renaissance, or Victorian... I couldn't pinpoint the exact origin of this stupidity), respectable citizens started believing the myth along with other disciplines of quackery such as craniology and iridology.

Needless to say, Iris is (gasp!) to this day reaching for the cups on the high shelf (shock!) with nary a care in the world.

Well, duh.

Enter the Dragon

My name is Ryan. I'm Canadian. I live in Taiwan. I work as an English teacher and I've been here since 2002. I'm married to the most wonderful Taiwanese woman in the world. Her name is Iris. She's also an English teacher. We were married in 2006. We've been having fun ever since.

As of today, Iris is twelve weeks pregnant with our first child. It was neither expected nor unexpected. We have be what is commonly referred to as "trying" for about a year but we have always been of the opinion that if it happened, it happened and if it didn't, so be it. Oddly enough, when it did happen, we were both stunned. So be it.

As the father-to-be I'm left in sort of a holding pattern. While Iris undergoes all the physical, hormonal and biological changes that pregnancy entails, I'm still the same old Ryan. Waiting. Watching. And since there has been no discernible change in my wife's appearance as of yet, I thought I'd show my support by starting a blog about our adventure in pregnancy. Don't say I'm not a pillar of support.

Both of us are in our late 30s.

Neither of us is superstitious.

You might think that last statement is a little superfluous, but it's not. Taiwan is an incredibly superstition country and pregnancy is, by nature, a superstition magnet no matter where you live. In Taiwan, doubly so. When we told Iris's family one of the first things her mother mentioned was that the baby was to be a "Dragon." My first thought was Game of Thrones.

I read too much.

According to the Chinese lunar calendar this year is the Year of the Dragon. The Year of the Dragon is an auspicious time for traditional Chinese couples to have children and Taiwanese (and Chinese people the world over) are clambering to have children this year. More on that in a future blog post. It's insane. I assure you.

I can also assure you that we might be the only couple in Taiwan who were unaware of the year when we visited our doctor for the first time. The Dragon simply didn't occur to us. I'm a Rabbit. I don't know what that means. I'm also a Virgo but I don't believe in astrology. Astrologists always tell me that my lack of belief is typical Virgo behavior. So be it.

But the Dragon did provide me with a snappy title for this blog, a blog which I aim to use as a means of chronicling the wonderful process of a mixed culture couple having a baby in a deeply superstitious culture. We've barely begun and already I've got material to last me weeks.

So put your arms down and walk with me backwards into the future as we don't wash our hair. (that will all make sense in a few weeks, I assure you).

I hope you will enjoy the show.